Things I love: Instagram

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Things are ok here, not great, but ok. There has been a lot going on and I just don’t want to concentrate on it right now! So, time to talk about a few more of the things I love…..

Instagram

Now, I knew that Instagram was big with iPhone users (meh) but I didn’t realize just how big until they released the Android version earlier this year. This community is HUGE! It is quickly replacing all the other camera apps that I use on my phone, even photoshop. I love being able to take photos with my phone of things that are happening right then, you can also tag other friends on the app, tweet, facebook, foursquare or Tumblr your photos. It’s pretty amazing. The only draw back really, is that to get the full effect of the community you have to have a smartphone with the app on it. The website doesn’t do much unless you click on a photo from some place like Facebook, even then you can’t see that person’s feed, just the one picture. I will post a few of the photos I’ve taken and you can see for yourself, and if you decide to get the app (It’s free!) my username is TiffannieAmber, so follow me and check things out that are #HappeningNow

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Family, Friends, Lend me your ear.

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I deal with things differently than most people. I rarely tell people that I love how much they mean to me, except for my husband, whom I told on a daily basis. During this latest period of adjustment, renting a house, moving in, getting things fixed or set up, ect. I have realized that I have some of the best friends in the whole world and they are truly sad to see this thing happening to me. As far as everything else goes, it’s….going. I can’t really say much else about because things have been civil, smooth and frankly ok. When it comes to my family, I try to stay light about the subject of my death, unless I’m talking to my mom about something important like arrangements, wills, or such, and she knows when I’m being serious, but tries to blow it off some of the time anyway. What she doesn’t realize, is that I know how she feels. She is going to be burying her child, and I have buried mine already. It is the worst pain a mother could ever feel, because your helpless to do anything. I wish upon wish that I could spare them and my friends this pain, unfortunately, I can’t.

In other news, slightly related, I got the letters from my Doc the other day, my liver function is abnormal, they think it might be spreading there, or at least the chemo has adversely affected it. Which is really bad news, since my liver and I have a beer to beer relationship. (that’s more lighthearted humor, FYI)  It doesn’t mean I can’t drink anymore, just that I should watch my amounts, which I’ve been doing already, since certain alcohol tends to depress me, and I sure as hell don’t need that.

Memphis and Shamus are doing alright, Memphis seems upset and confused by the move, he can’t seem to be happy and playful like he once was. He just sleeps and curls up on my lap. Shamus seems to be doing better, but he’s also known life outside of the Me-him-Richard dynamic, and Memphis really hasn’t, when we got together, Memphis was still a baby, so he’s missing the only daddy he’s ever really had. It makes me sad to think that he’s sad.

I’ve almost got the house completely done, still looking for some living room furniture, a couch, end tables and a night stand for my bedroom, just little things that will come as I find them mostly. Except the couch, geez, gotta have a couch! The bathroom, I must say, is probably the girliest room I’ve ever been in, and I am completely in adoration of it. I chose a pink pinstriped wall border, and of course Hello Kitty shower curtain, I’m hanging white shelves in it, and a pink framed mirror. There isn’t a lot of storage in there, but I have a really big linen closet across from the bath, so I think I’m going to put most of the stuff in there, since I’ve never really been big on clutter. I have an electrician coming tomorrow to look at a couple of the outlets that aren’t working, hopefully it isn’t anything big (like I forgot to turn on a breaker or something) but we’ll see.

I think I’ve rambled enough for this to count as a diary/journal/blog for my thoughts (thank you therapy)

Oh, and for my friends, in case I forget to tell you. You mean a lot to me, I love you, and thank you.

 

Tiffannie

The more things change.

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Well…. Double Ewe Tee Eff.

That’s all I can think. My life was so different two months ago. I had a husband who loved me (I thought) a place to live, our dogs, and friends who really cared. Now, things seem to have disintegrated, my life will be over sooner than I’d like, I have no husband who loves me and my friends…. well there are a few who actually know what’s going on and support me. I have good days and bad days just like everyone else. I have days when things don’t seem to be that bad, when I can forget about the evil monster living in my colon and I just carry on as normal. I have bad days when the monster takes a bite and my energy dwindles, I’m in pain and my brain is reminded that things are NOT normal.

I received some good news yesterday, the house I wanted to rent is mine! It’s a 2 bedroom, 1 bath, and it’s perfect size for me and the boys will have a fenced in yard to play in. I think they’re more excited than I am.Well, maybe not Memphis, he’s discovering that he is not a nature dog.

As for everything else, lets practice writing a bucket list, shall we? Mine was factored in because of time and cost constraints, if anyone wins the lottery soon, please keep me in mind.

  • Take a trip to Memphis
  • Take a trip to New Orleans
  • Go to Vegas
  • See the Elephant rocks and Johnson Family shut ins state park.
  • Take pictures.
  • Make out in the rain (this one is going to be hard to do since I’ll never date again)
  • Sit one the patio and watch the boys play while I drink coffee and ignore my phone.
  • Go camping.
  • get a new tattoo (or twelve)
  • Spend time with the real friends I have.

This is a very short list, there are a million and one things that I want to do, but only so many that I have the time and money for. If you have some awesome, cheap suggestions, please throw them in the comments section, I’d love to hear what you all would put on your bucket lists.

Love for now.

Tiffannie

Facing Mortality.

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Throughout this entire process, I’ve been feeling like this cancer was just one of those pesky things that would go away. After talking with the Dr today, apparently, I was really wrong. Since I have chosen to stop my treatments, and this form of cancer is aggressive, they expect a 30% spread a month. So, in 12-18 months, I will be facing my demise.

Talk about a shitty phone call. I called my mother first (sorry for ruining her day) then, I called my husband. Yes, we’re separated, but I still felt like he would want to know. I was wrong. I called him and told him what they said, it was a brief conversation. After we hung up, I got a text asking basically why I had told him. My response “because I thought you would want to know, sorry if I was wrong” His reply “You were”

Is it wrong that I want someone to love me until the end of my life? I truly thought Richard was the one that was going to do that. Now, don’t mistake me here, I have friends that are either super supportive, or super angry, or both about my decision. But anyone who has ever been in love, knows that there is a distinct difference in things you can share with your friends and things you can share with a lover. A friend can hug you and hold your hand, but a lover comforts, they hold and snuggle. There is an intimacy that is lacking in most friendships.

I’m off to make a realistic bucket list (no flying to Brazil for me) I just want to have as much fun as I can, to see and do things that will bring joy to my life.  I want to spend time with people, I would like to remember what it’s like to fall in love, I want to remember what it feels like to spend an entire day with no worries. I want to go out and take pictures of beautiful things. There are so many things that I can do. I regret that the one person in my life doesn’t want to do them with me. I have to chalk that up to his loss, it hurts me beyond belief, but I don’t want it to bring me down.

I love you all. We’ll talk more soon about my list.

Tiffannie

Apathetic: Uncaring, Disinterested.

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I have made some seriously shitty choices in my life. Very shitty. I didn’t think that my marriage to Richard was one of those. I still don’t. Through out this entire separation, I have loved him, I still love him, I won’t deny that. After hearing some of the things he has said about me to others, I can’t help but wonder if he ever actually did. But I digress, this post isn’t meant to be about him. (Anyone hear a Stevie Nicks song coming on?)

During these last few weeks, I have been up in the air and all over the place emotionally as well as physically. The treatments leave me drained beyond belief, plus with all the other stress in my life, it just hasn’t been a good thing.

I sat down and thought long and hard about the decision that I am about to tell you, and I understand people’s anger, upset, and sadness. However, this was entirely my decision and I am alright with it.

Last Saturday was my last cancer treatment. I will not be doing any more chemo or any radiation. The amount of time it takes me to do the treatments and recover from them doesn’t leave me any time to hold down a full time job and run my business. Therefore, due to all financial support being pulled from me, I have to scramble to make ends meet and treatments are to time consuming and draining for me to continue. Now, as I said before, I am ok with this. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t love it. But I have to do what I have to do to get by in this world. If this separation has taught me anything, it’s that I can’t rely on anyone except myself for anything. I hope to take a few road trips, to see some things I haven’t gotten to see, but mostly, I just want to live each day like the blessing it will be. I have accepted a lot of things in my life. I accept that I’ll never have children. I accept that my father was a rat bastard. I accept that none of my relationships were meant to work. Now, I accept that God will take me when it’s my time to go.

I am tired of fighting, I simply don’t want to do it anymore.

So, all of my loyal readers (all 17 of you) say a prayer for me, and I will say a few for you.

Much Love.

Tiffannie

 

Devoid: Empty, wanting.

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Where do I begin to explain what is going on? With a list? With a short explanation? With something that I don’t even know what to call it? I’ll start off with the dirty words.

I have cancer. Ugh. Just saying it is not good. I went in for my regular check up, just a make-sure-shits-ok thing. Well, it isn’t ok. Stage 2 colon cancer. The Dr says he wants to start me on chemo pretty much immediately, so I discuss it with my husband, and he of course wants me to do treatment, because (and I quote) “I don’t want to live without you” Ok….I can do this..again. I start my anti metabolites and the corticosteroids, sickening stuff, literally. I came down with pneumonia, fortunately they caught it early and pumped me full of enough antibiotics and steroids that I felt better almost right away. Now, during the course of being sick, and dealing with this cancer issue. I get blindsided. Hard. I’m going to say the next dirty words.

My husband doesn’t want to deal with the stress of my illness. He wants a divorce.

Yep. He wanted me to move out of our house, leave my car, and just go away.

Unfortunately, it didn’t quite work out like that. Things got a little ugly, I was forced to move out because I feared for my safety. So this last week I’ve been staying in various places, being pretty much homeless, trying to figure out what I’m going to do.

The really bad thing? I still love my husband, I miss him every day. I dream about him every night. I should be super angry with him, and part of me is. But, this literally came out of no where, so I feel pretty much as if I’ve been abandoned by the one person who promised to love me no matter what.

So I’ve been dealing with some hard choices, living a half life because I’m weak from the treatments and sick at heart because I love my husband.

I would rather spend whats left of my life with him even if it’s only a year, than go through these treatments alone and live 50 more years with out him.

That’s….pretty much all I have to say right now. I’m to tired to say anymore. Thank you to all my friends who have been praying. Keep it up.

Love,

T.

Truths about texting…..

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My loving hubs and I discovered something today. When we’re on opposite schedules, we fight a LOT. Like right now I’m on evening 3-11 shifts at my second job, and he is on days which is 7-3. Now, I only work a few days a week at my second job, but with all the errands and business I’ve been dealing with, I haven’t seen him physically awake for a few days. Now, I will admit, he woke me up (somewhat) at 5:30 this morning because I hadn’t made our bank deposit yet and he didn’t have any cash, so I apparently groggily told him it was ok to get some cash from my purse. (Of course, he could be lying to me and just wants me to believe I said it was ok, but I’m almost sure I said it was ok…probably….maybe) So, the only way that we’ve been communicating is through text messages, and as I’m sure you know, sometimes people can take those the WAY WRONG way.  So, while I was at my desk tonight I called him and we discussed a few things, and he actually pointed it out that we do fight more when we can’t see each other. Now kids, I’m open to suggestions as to why you think this might be, because I am clueless.

Now that I think about it, I do better actually talking to people sometimes. Like, my sister, I Skype with her, she doesn’t have a cell phone, neither does my mother, so I email with her, but I’d much prefer to pick up the phone and call because it’s just better somehow, Same thing goes with my BFF (yeah, I still have one of those) she has a cell phone and she can text, but you know, we really don’t text as much as we could. Mostly because I have work/life/hubster over here and she has work/life/2 kids/hubster over there. Now, when we get on the phone, phew look OUT. We can talk for approximately 3.5 hours and still not be done with our conversation. It’s way worse if we actually see each other in person. Then we can spend a LOTTTTT of time just sitting around and bullshitting. Hubs has only experienced this once, and it was before we got married. When we left I said, “you didn’t say much” His only response was “didn’t get a chance”  and it’s true, we almost  become a world of our own when we’re together. I’m sure that’s how it’s supposed to be though, otherwise, why have BFFs, right?

My other friends, the ones that are over here, I text them once in a while, but we talk better? more? when we meet up for coffee or DRINKS!!! There is something slightly impersonal about texting, and I know a friend of mine, Cheryl, has been preaching this to people and companies for years. But it took a fight with my husband to realize just how true it really is. What do you guys think? Is texting a robotic form of communication? Or am I just being to old fashioned?

 

Until that day.

Tiffannie

*Updated* Everybody loves VD, right?

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By VD of course I mean Valentine’s Day, get your minds out of the gutters. Geez Dirty. I don’t know what everyone else thinks, but I’ve never really been a huge fan of VD, mainly because I’ve never had one that was just outstanding-compare-every-other-one-to-it kind of days. I’ve gotten flowers(lame) and chocolate (helloooooo thighs!) but as I talked about in my last post, my husband isn’t great at the planning or execution of things romantical. I don’t know what to do about it really, I think I give good hints, and suggestions, but I don’t want to come right out and go, “Look, this is exactly what I want, I want to go here for dinner, or I want to take a trip here, with champagne, strawberries and roses”  It’s really not any fun for me that way. I usually start planning for holidays about a month in advance (at least gift giving holidays) this year was really tough because we had Christmas, then ten days later my little sister turned 21, and 6 days after that was hubs birthday. So planning and gift ideas were a little short, not to mention we were struggling to replace all the stuff that the bastard thieves took when they broke in.

I sat down last week and discussed this whole thing with him, I said, should we set a spending limit on gifts? He agreed and we both decided that $50 was enough. (I already knew I wanted to get him a subscription to MW3 Elite for a year, and it’s 49.99) so I was totally fine with that. Now, if you know me and my hubs personally, you know that he never wants for anything, if he passively mentions something, I go and make sure he gets it. Why do I do this? Well, he works his ass off, he doesn’t demand anything from me really, he doesn’t expect me to get up and clean the house every day, or cook gourmet meals every night. He’s in general a really wonderful dude. Most people think he’s rude, strange, or an asshole because when we do meet new people he is exceptionally quiet and rarely talks. It takes a while to get to know him and after you do, he doesn’t hush! Ha!

Also, over on J Roses website she did a Secret Cupid exchange for VD, and I got matched with a jazz dancer in Canada who likes girly things, so uh, needless to say it was hard trying to think of a gift for her, so I kind of cheated and bought some girly fun stuff from Lush, and if you don’t know what Lush is, your are so missing out! Anyways, I received my gift today, and I was SO excited, I don’t know what it is about getting mail, but it really makes me feel like I’m 7 years old again and my mom sent me a postcard*

*random aside* My mom used to take business trips to conferences around the state when I was growing up, and when she was gone, she’d promise to send me letters in the mail, it was always a huge thrill for me as a kid to get just one piece of mail all for myself. Well, come to find out in later years, my mom would actually mail the postcards a day or two before she actually left so I would get it the very day she was gone. It was one of those things that made me just say, “wow, my mom was a parenting badass”

Anyways, so I got my package, and waited to open it until I got to my second job so I could actually sit and look at whatever I had gotten. Well, let me tell you, I still don’t know who my secret cupid was, but she hit the proverbial nail on the head! I will update this post later with photos, but for now I’ll just say, nail polish, chocolate, pink socks and MONSTERS. This chica was GOOD! So, I hope she reads this, because “M” you are AWESOME. Oh, and there was a card, that was SO TRUE.

This has been how it’s been, I’m suffering from a slight shopping hangover from yesterday, I had to go out and buy new pants because I was tired of only have three pair that fit (normally I would insert an excuse here as to why they don’t fit, like bc I still haven’t lost the baby weight, but I’m not even going to bullshit about it tonight, they didn’t fit because I’m fat!) So I bought three more pairs of jeans and several really adorable new shirts and ended up spending way more money than I meant to, but hubs wasn’t mad so I’m ok with it to I guess. It was fun today when I got dressed because everything but my boots was new, and it kind of felt like the first day of school all over again ;)

Oh, and I did NOT buy any dog toys. Not one! I bought a new dog bed (but they needed it) and they destroyed it today. I love my dogs….. really….

 

Ok, I’m starting to ramble….I think. I will update with photos later tonight!

Until that day….

Tiffannie

Clouds are moving, but not gone yet…

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I’ve been sick for the last couple of weeks with this heinous cold/cough/congestion thing happening, and it’s been way not fun to say the least. I’m feeling 98% better, I’ve still got all the congestion in my sinuses/ears, but my cough is way better. I felt a little more human the last couple of days, finally got up and got some stuff done, which was nice, now the problem? Richard is getting sick, he’s getting a script filled right now for an ear infection. Which is awesome, because if his lasts like mine did, not only is he going to be sick next week, but will also be sick on Valentines day. Maybe I can go to Twin Peaks by myself this year. It was SO FUN last year to be taken to a scantily clad waitress having sports bar on valentines day. Who am I kidding, I fully expect something like this to happen anyway. My husband is a wonderful man, but gift giving, planning and holiday things just aren’t his thing. Oh well, I’ll live with it.

We’ve been busy lately, lots of things going on, plus both of us being sick. We were going to try to go over to my moms house this weekend, but we decided that we’d rather stay here and save our trip takings for maybe March or April. We thought about going to Oklahoma City for the weekend but I think I’d rather just save the money that we’d spend over there on a hotel and shopping to just do things that we need to do over here. There’s a tiny part of me that wants to pout, because we don’t ever go anywhere and I don’t get to go out and do things that are fun. I’ll live with it, plus, it’s really not that fun for me, if I have to plan everything (and I would, it’s the control freak in me) and make the arrangements, ect.

I am pretty excited, I’m buying a new camera, which is going to be fabulous. I really want to splurge and buy myself something that I want, but honestly, I can’t think of anything that I wouldn’t just balk at spending money on. It’s a habit of mine, I can think of 500,000,001 things that I really want, but I just don’t spend the money on it, even if it’s cheap! Perhaps I need retail therapy for that :o

I’m going to start sharing a few videos, perhaps some vlogs, I won a great video camera from Social Media Tulsa, and I really want to put it to good use. I would love to hear from you all about anything you’d like to see here, giveaways? More Reviews? More pictures? actually I’d just like to hear from anyone who reads this!

Much Love

Tiffannie

PS. I have to show off the design for my new debit card. I am SO excited!

Weekly, Daily, Hourly.

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Some days, I forget who I am. Not in the literal sense, I’m not going senile or anything, it’s just that some days, I can’t seem to get the energy to get up, to get off the couch, to get dressed, to do anything really. Why? I don’t know. Things are going relatively well for Richard and I, we’ve had a few kicks in the ass, but overall it’s good. Is it my weight? That’s part of it I’m sure, I still haven’t lost the weight I gained from the baby, I’m not excusing myself, but my depression was so deep and so dark after we lost Westyn that I don’t honestly know how I made it through. I know that part of this depression I’m experiencing now are remnants from the postpartum, it’s also because of the things that I feel about myself, I constantly feel inadequate, unworthy, mostly like a failure. I don’t have reasons for feeling this way, I have a moderately successful business, I have great friends and family, and a husband that is so beyond wonderful, there aren’t words for it. So, why do I have this constant, plaguing self doubt? I know everyday when I wake up, that my husband is going to come home and tell me he doesn’t love me anymore. I know every day that my mom is going to call me and tell me that she is upset with me and never wants to see or speak to me again. I know that my friends are avoiding me because I’m a shitty friend. I know everyday when I wake up I’m three sizes fatter than I was when I went to sleep. My brain tells me that I’m being irrational, that I’m worrying about things that just aren’t true, but I can’t do anything to stop it.

There is a movement that I wrote about earlier this week, about a traveling red dress, and how beautiful the whole thing is. I can’t have a red dress moment. I can make a joke about them not making dresses big enough, I can joke because I haven’t worn dresses in years. The truth? I don’t deserve a red dress moment because I’m a failure. That is what my brain tells me. I love helping people. I’m happy with the fact that I’m going to go buy red dresses to send to women who are more deserving than I am.  I am so happy to be doing sessions for those women locally who will have their moment. Because I am 100% sure that every woman in the world deserves a red dress moment, all of them except me.

Why do I feel this way? What makes me believe that I am such a bad person? What did I do in my life to deserve to feel this way?

This is a never ending cycle of pain and doubt.

I don’t like it, but this is who I am.