A Peek Into My Psyche

Ok kids, today is the day!! Day one of this makeup break out thing! Now, I am NOT the kind of person who wears the really bright badass looking eye pigments, because I don’t want to look like a clown and really, I don’t have a place to wear them. But today I did something I never ever do, I not only wore bright eyeshadow, I wore bright BLUE eye shadow! Now, I was always under the impression that I couldn’t do blue shadow, because I have blue eyes, but apparently, I was mistaken, it’s all in the way you wear it. So… here’s how I started.

I did my usual foundation (which I LOVE!) It’s Korres mineral foundation, and the brush is the Sephora mineral powder brush, I did my face and set it with a mist of toner.

Then I used my Urban Decay 24/7 Glide on pencil in black to do a thin line along my top lashes.



Then I used my Sephora palette in this blue and this white, I used the white as a base color over my whole lid, then did the blue in the crease and at the corner as an accent color. Wow. It was really bright, so I blended a bunch to get it just a little toned down. The brush I used was a Sephora double ended eye brush.







Then I used my usual blush (Too Faced Papa Don’t Peach) and today I went with Colossal Lash Blash (2 coats) I used my Sephora cheek brush and the Sephora eyebrow/eyelash brush as well.



Now since I was wearing BRIGHT BLUE shadow, I wanted a paler lip color so I went with MAC nude lip liner (which I forgot a pic of, sorry!) and my Too Faced gloss which looks really dark in the tube, but turns out fairly clear with a hint of pink.



So, the final look? Here ya go! Not the best photo of me, but it gets the job done!

Tune in tomorrow for day 2!!!!





I read an article in Elle magazine recently where a girl tried new things with her makeup for 21 days, I thought about it for a minute and realized I have SO much really cool makeup and I never ever wear it! I use the bare basics for every day, and if I’m going out to something special, I’ll put on eyeliner. This is a really bad rut to be in, because as many people don’t realize, makeup does expire, so rather than waste my cash and my dear husbands on so much makeup that would just be thrown out.  Now, lucky for me, my DH is the guy who just can’t stand the smell of cheap makeup, all the walmart brands make him sick to his stomach. So, I get to go to Sephora, or Ulta to buy my makeup. So, starting tomorrow (Thursday) I’m going to try something different, everyday and document it with photos, now I’m not saying I’ll be able to blog everyday, things have been and will probably continue to be busy in my life, but I will get the photos posted and blogged about. Also, in the next few days, this blog will be headed to a new privately hosted home, rather than a free wordpress blog. I should have a new domain set up as well (Yay!) so the look will be a little different, but it won’t change from a blog.

I took photos of a lot of my makeup tonight, so you all would know what I’m starting out with. I’ll try to take photos of which products I use on which day I use them so you’ll have a bit of a guide as well. Now, I’m not going to go into technique or anything because I probably do things backwards, I will be youtubing a LOT of videos, and if I use a tech that I find on there, I’ll definitely share that with ya’ll as well.

So here it is as of right now. My makeup collection….. (this isn’t all of it, but it’s most of it) You can click on the photo to see it larger too. (Gotta mention how much I love my new Sephora train case) It is awesome! You can get one here.

This is a palette set I got at Sephora as well, I love it because you can pop out the individual trays and put them in the case to stick in your purse to carry along.

This is a blockbuster kit I got from Ulta, and when I bought it, I honestly thought I would use it everyday, but, alas, I don’t. But that is going to change soon!

I was having a conversation on Facebook tonight with my younger sister (she’s 20) and the point of her status was basically that men don’t know when to take no for an answer. Well I’m going to post it, it’s easier than explaining. 

• Beth: When I woke up to some of the texts I received last night… all I could think was, “My god, you’re a pig.” No means no. Learn it.

• Daniel- Yeah lots of men are, they fail to realize that when they aren’t dicks they get a better girl, when they are dicks they get bitches for girlfriends and they wonder why they hate them
• Beth- Amen, Daniel
• Tiffannie(me)-Bullshit.
• Beth- What is?
• Tiffannie- If young women didn’t walk all over the “good” guys and stopped dating the pigs and assholes because they crave the drama, then men wouldn’t be that way. It’s a cause and effect, and men are far from the ones to blame.

There is a woman who wrote a blog post last Halloween about her son wanting to wear a girl’s costume. Her post went viral (and I’m glad it did, it brought tons of awareness) however, now, she’s a paid writer for the NY Post, or NY Times, one of those. All because she wrote a blog.

What worries me, is that these kids don’t see things like I did growing up, and the thought of how my parents grew up is just baffling…. “You didn’t have INTERNET?” These kids are graduating from high schools, and they don’t want to be President, they don’t want to be Doctors, they want to be Snooki, or Amber, or some other talentless, famous for nothing celebrity, they want to be on American Idol because their grandma told them once that they had a beautiful voice. Guess what kids, Grandma LIED. What they aren’t seeing is the economy in the tank, the record levels of unemployment, the environmental impact.  They see pregnant teenagers driving Range Rovers, 16 year olds spending multi millions of dollars on parties, and Snooki in leopard print.

The fact of the matter is that we are raising, and have already partially raised generations of perpetual children, these kids aren’t going to college, they are going to work a minimum wage job and live with their parents until they catch their “big break” and then, they’ll retire from Taco Bell and die, because they can’t afford college anyway.

We can not expect youthful people in this country to understand that THEY have to

help support this economy, not all of us wake up wearing Dolce sunglasses and spray tanned to perfect burnt bacon coloring.

I’m sure I could keep going, but I think I’ve made my point.

A few months ago, Richard decided that he wanted to try this new church out and he wanted me to go with him, now, I’m Catholic, so I’m iffy about “new style” churches. I went with him a couple of times (mostly because our friend Eric wouldn’t stop raving about the place) and we both really enjoyed ourselves. We also liked that while I was on bed rest with Westyn we could watch online and still get the message. The pastor, Justin, is a guy who isn’t much older than me, and at first I had a hard time taking spiritual advice from someone who was my age, because my head was like “how can he know what God wants, he hasn’t lived long enough” then I actually had this discussion with both Richard and my mom, my mom actually stated it best that we don’t have to have lived through everything, or lived a long time to be able to give guidance and advice, and that anyone with a passion and calling for it can teach God’s word. Which kind of slapped me around for a minute and then my brain went… “Oh, yeah, I get it now” Now, one thing that I’ve had to deal with most of my adult life is judgmental people, I would say 90% of the time, people look at me and make judgments, oh, she has tattoos, or oh she has pink/blue/red/purple hair, oh she’s wearing a shirt with a “devil band” logo on it, she just CAN’T be a nice person. Not even taking the time to get to know me, or anything else. Now, in my younger days, my reaction to those types were choice profane words and eloquent finger movements. These days, I am slightly more mature, I just walk away, and I don’t put myself in those positions. I was fully expecting at least some slight derision or rolled eyes or cold shoulders the first time we went to this new church, and……. it didn’t happen. Not once.

Now, when we lost Westyn, Justin was the only pastor either of us thought of calling, and unlike with some bigger places, Justin was on the phone with Richard in less than 20 minutes, it was a great show of support for us. Now Richard has been having it rough since Westyn passed, I’ll even go out on a limb and say rougher than me because I’m the type that swallows my emotions, and he isn’t. He still has questions that need answers that no one can give him, not me, or Justin, or the Doctors, and I am ok with that. He needs more time before he can accept that it was just a part of Gods plan for us, which is normal, I haven’t really pushed him to accept it, or to go to church with me. Today was “Friends Day” at the church, and I promised several friends that I would come, and I asked Richard if he wanted to go, and he declined. Again, fine with me.  So, I head out to church and go through the doors and see someone I recently met (and like immensely) waiting on another person that I recently met (and again liked immensely) I go in and find my friends and scoot in behind them I listen to Justin’s sermon, which gave me a lot to think about in the form of the types of friends that I have and the Friend/Fan relationship. ( You have to watch the sermon to get it, and you should, cause it’s good Foundationschurch.tv ) After the service is over, I’m talking with friends (not fans!) and I go out to get a pie plate from my car that someone had brought to the house in the week after Westyn had passed, oh and I have to mention, that Robin another friend from church, set up a meal train for us and people who didn’t know us brought food for a week. (amazing people!) To make a long story short (to late!) someone who also attends the church was standing in the hall and gives me just the dirtiest look I have ever seen, then proceeds to cold shoulder me. Now, this is not the first time this has happened with this individual, nor I expect will it be the last. However, when I go to church, I have the right to expect to be treated with at least respect, and this person just exudes an attitude, which puzzles me greatly because I have NO idea what I did either in a past life or the current one to make them dislike me and treat me like I am less than nothing. Now, in most situations, when put in a position like that, I will simply walk away, I have nothing to say to this person and obviously they have nothing to say to me. However, I really do enjoy church and I do want to go back, but I don’t want to put up with the uncomfortable/judgement feeling. So, do I look for a new church? Do I ignore my feelings? It’s impossible to not see this person, so that’s not really an option, and if I ignore my feelings, does that make me a doormat, or at least give the impression that I am ok with their attitude? If I find a new church, am I going to find one that is as fun/meaningful/spiritual as the one I’m at now?

These are all things that I need to think about, as well as my friend/fan relationships. Phew. When I was going to Catholic church I never left with this much to think about!

Until then.

<3

Tiffannie

I haven’t been in the greatest mood today. There’s been a constant nagging voice at the back of my head, worrying me, stressing me out.

A year ago today, my son Tiernan was still born. Admittedly I’m in a better place now than I was then, but this does make things creep up on me. As many of you know, I’m expecting a son soon and the closer it gets to him being here the worse my shaky horrible fears come out. It’s getting to the point where every little thing sets me off and I just can’t control my crying.

I can’t believe that it’s been a year. I can’t believe that I can still miss him this much, even with his little brother growing in my body the pain I feel on a day to day basis is still almost unbearable.

I miss him.

What’s on my playlist you ask? Well…. ok you didn’t really ask, but what the hey, I’m sitting here after a really really great day, and I’m jamming out with my new Koss ear buds that  my totally awesomely cool baby-daddy-husband-guy-I’m-sleepin’-with got me.

Now, I have a HUGE selection of music on my laptop, and now thanks to Google Music I can listen to all of it anywhere I go, which is just a WHOLE other post, bottom line is, it’s awesome. However, back onto my rickety train of thought as to what music I listen to. I have about 200 songs on my phone, I don’t make play lists, for some reason I find them to be a HUGE fuckin waste of time. If I don’t want to listen to some song for a particular reason, it’s easier to hit next rather than spend three hours making lists of things I wanna listen to. Now, on a small tangent, I do feel play lists are good for things like parties, having sex, and…..well, no that’s about it. Play lists are like an old school mix tape, without the DJ talking over the beginning and ending of the songs. (If you have ANY idea of what I mean, you are at LEAST as old as I am, Ha!)

So, onto my music……come with me on this journey people…you might find something you love! I’m not going to list all 200 songs that are on my phone, I’m just going to list about 25 and the ones you probably won’t know I’ll link to either a song or a Youtube video so you can expand your mind. And just for randomness of fun, I’ll list them as they are listed in random/shuffled order right now.

1. Avril Lavigne-Girlfriend(Remix)-Ok, everyone’s heard this, but I still find it catchy and well, I should be ashamed, but I’m totally not.

2. Theory of a Deadman- Bad Girlfriend-Again, probably everyone has heard this at some point in time, all I can say, is it is SO much better LIVE!

3. Dandy Warhols- We Used to Be Friends -Now, unless you like off the wall bands (which I do) or you were a fan of Veronica Mars the TV dramedy you’ve probably not heard this. Go forth my child, and listen. (but come back, we’re not done)

4. Mudvayne- Scream with me -Really good song, seems like Mudvayne has calmed down slightly, but I still love them.

5. The Fray- You Found Me. -Everyone has probably heard this as well, and I’ve gotta say, I’m not a huge fan of The Fray, but this song absolutely touches me. Completely beautiful.

6. Cross Canadian Ragweed- Alabama -Someone I knew a long time ago introduced me to this song and it always reminds me of them, unfortunately this band has some other great stuff, but they have since disbanded.

7. Chevelle- The Clincher -This is by far, one of the most BADASS chevelle songs, I don’t give a Roman rats ass what everyone else says, this song is just AWESOME.

8. Skillet- Monster -I fucking LOVE this song. I think we all feel this way at one point in time or another and this song just screams it. Oh, this also is awesome LIVE!

9. Curtis Stigers & the forrest rangers- This Life -This is the opening theme to Sons of Anarchy on FX, and I wanted to hear the whole thing so badly that I actually went to iTunes (yes, those of you that know me, I did, I went there) and BOUGHT it. This is something I do NOT do. Ever. That’s how much I love this song.

10. Lady Gaga- Alejandro-You know you’ve heard this. You’d have to be deaf to have not heard it. (If by chance you are a new reader and you are deaf, I apologize, and also must say, be slightly glad bc this song gets STUCK in your head)

11. Jason Derulo- Ridin’ Solo-Again with deaf to not have heard this catchy tune, however, just one thing, does he repeat his name all the time so he can remember it?

12. Staind- Right Here- Oh yeah, takin’ it back a few years aren’t I? Ha! This song almost brings tears to my eyes, it reminds me of me and one of my best friends, we lost touch several times over the years and it never fails, we can see each other at any time and it’s like we’ve been talking every day. I love her.

13. Violent Femmes-Blister in the Sun- Lemme Go OUUUUUUUUUUUUTTTTTT….ok… sorry, force of habit. *clap clap* There isn’t much to say other than this song will rock your face OFF! I mean, it’s the Femmes, need I REALLY say more?

14. Dropkick Murphys- Dirty Glass- This song makes me wanna dance, scream and drink until I can’t see.  (Note all I could find was the live version, and yes there are THAT many people in this band)

15. Jack Johnson-You and Your Heart- A singing surfer that doesn’t sound like the flippin beach boys and he’s hot. Nuff said.

16. Wheatus- Teenage Dirtbag- Ohhhhh yeahhhhhhh……….listen and learn if you haven’t heard it.

17. Three Days Grace- The Good Life- these guys aren’t really on my favorites list, but they’ve been around a long ass time and they’ve had some decently catchy songs.

18. Billy Currington- People Are Crazy- Yep, secrets out, I like country music too! This song reminds me a lot of my dad and his friends when they’d sit around and talk for hours at a time.

19. Murderdolls- Motherf**ker, I Don’t Care- Fairly self explanatory. Interesting side note, there are different people in this band from a couple of fairly famous bands. Wednesday 13 is the front man and Joey Jordison from Slipknot is also lead vocals/guitar.

20. Pearl jam- Just Breathe- This is some of the new pearl jam, and I have to say, I love it. I’ve always liked PJ, but this song kinda kicks me in the gut.

21. CKY-Sink Into The Underground- Yes, this is the band that was in some Jackass/Viva La Bam Episodes, but don’t hold that against them. These guys are fantastic artists and SUPER awesome nice people. Again, this song better Live!

22. Scum of the Earth- Pornstar Champion- This band is so awesome, and Mike Riggs, the front man is super scary and nice all at the same time. He used to be in the band White Zombie, you know, that one with that badass front man with the hot ass wife?? Rob Zombie, that’s right… This band plays a lot of shows around where I’m from because Riggs lives close to there, again, live=better.

23. Bob Marley- Three Little Birds- Self explanatory and awesome.

24. Pink Floyd- Comfortably Numb- One of my favorite bands of all time, a legend among musicians. This song always calms me down and makes me just sllloooooowwww down.

25. Me First and the Gimme Gimme’s-Fire and Rain- These guys are a cover band, that’s all they do, but they definitely do it with their own style. I love most of their covers, I have several on my phone, this one just happens to be really superbly badass though.

Well, that’s it, a random sampling of 25 of my songs, as you can tell from listening, or hell probably just reading, I like to think I’m pretty well rounded when it comes to music. I hope you enjoyed listening and perhaps learning a thing or two about new/old stuff.

T.

Shit, I totally just realized that if you look at the lower portion of this list I look like a total stoner. I’m not a stoner people. I just like the music…..damn its 4:20 be right back…. (Kidding, it’s not really 4:20)

I wanted to list my blog on the BlogHer network, but I have been rejected, and rejection does not feel good.

I might cry. Well, maybe not, however, it still stings!

Ok, that is all, I think, for now.

It’s 12:15AM and I’m awake, and drinking coffee, decaf people, decaf.

Why may you ask? Well, there are probably several reasons, mostly because the small alien being growing inside me decides to play about this time of night, and by play I mean do tae bo in the style of that one guy who did tae bo on my bladder/kidneys/spinal cord.  Also, because in this week I have discovered my inability to have an actual conversation with my husband, it starts off fairly ok, then evolves into me calling him an asshole (in his defense he usually hasn’t done anything wrong)

For the record, Sister Act 1 &2, still a special place in my heart.

It seems like I usually don’t blog unless I’m ranting, or for a cleansing introspection, so, it’s possibly a good thing that I don’t blog often. Does that mean my life is perfect? No, it just means that sometimes I’m so caught up in day to day existence that I don’t have time or energy to sit down and tell ya’ll all about it.

Since my last two blog posts, major things have happened, some good, some bad, and some very harsh realizations.

Richard left work at noon on Friday the 24th in order to go to the Dr with me, he had told me that he was going to find someplace to stay that weekend while I moved out. He went to see the “other woman” at work, then he came back to our house and talked to me for a little while, we discussed a lot of things, he was really stressed and torn up emotionally about our daughter, he told me that when he walked in and saw “her” that there was nothing there, all he did was think of me. Which, in my own little way gave me a lot of satisfaction. Then, about an hour after we started talking, my mom and sister showed up. Then it became real, I was really moving out, I wasn’t going to go through the stress anymore. He had made his decision, but I wasn’t going to play a game about it. He just stopped and looked at me and said, I can’t do it, I can’t live without you.

Heart soared, butterflies in the tummy, chest pounding, praying to God that he really meant it, however, I kept my head on straight, and I told him that I thought he should go run his errands, and really think about what he had said, and the things that he wanted, and I would meet him at the Drs office. He agreed and left, I got ready to leave, talking with my family while I was getting ready, and I drove to the Drs office. While I was on my way, Richard called, and said he was also on his way and we needed to talk when I got there, he finished our conversation with “I love you” Again, I tried to keep my head separate from my emotions, I got into his car when I got there and he took a deep breath and started talking, I was overwhelmed to say the least. He had talked to a friend of his, whom he’s known for a very very long time, and she told him exactly what she thought, with the situation, with his feelings, with everything, and it made him realize a lot of things. He fully admitted that he still had some issues left behind from childhood and his parents split, he also told me things about myself that I hadn’t even realized. I was not emotionally open in our marriage, I didn’t let him love me, nor did I return the love that I did get the way I should have. He spent the first part of our relationship thinking that I wanted to be with someone else. I also didn’t listen to him, my answer for almost everything was “I don’t care” which translated (badly) to him as “I don’t care about you” I realized that I was still protecting myself from being hurt, and that hit me pretty hard. Here I was, subconsciously sabotaging my marriage, the one I was trying so hard to save.

So, we went into the Dr and had our every-other-day check up (Its a drag) and we came back to the house and talked, and talked and talked. We talked to each other, we talked to my mom (who was a huge help) she told us that we were going to have to start compromising, and really LISTENING to each other, and she gave us an excellent technique, every night before bed, or when we have an extra five minutes, we just stand there, and look into each others eyes and we remember and think of all of the things that we love about the other person, and I’ll be honest, we’ve missed some days, but we remember it more now that we would have before, and it only takes me about two minutes of looking into Richard’s beautiful eyes to get that feeling of butterflies, that tingle that makes me remember why I fell in love with him in the first place.

Now, admittedly, it’s only been a couple of weeks, but we haven’t had any “fights” we’ve bickered a bit, but we always end the bickering by either taking deep breaths and hugging it out, or holding each other and calming discussing it.

We’ve also started exploring each other more (no not in a dirty way) I show more interest in the things that he likes, and I listen to his stories, and I ask questions, I make comments, I TRY to get to know him.

He’s doing better on listening to the things that I like, the music, the movies, ect. We’ve also started taking more time for ourselves, doing more things together, like going to parties, swimming, or just driving around to beat the heat.

Richard has also started becoming more involved in our pregnancy, talking to Westyn, rubbing the belly, things like that, plus, he’s much more understanding of the pregnancy issues that I’ve been having. It’s really nice knowing that he is into picking out baby gear, and stuff like that.

So, it’s been a highly emotional, but completely worth it journey into our marriage. I can honestly say that I am more in love with my husband than I ever have been before, and I truly feel loved not only for being his wife, but for who I am as a person.

This journey cost us some very dear things, and it’s a hard realization.

But I’ll make it through, with my husband by my side, no matter what.

Life, Laughter, and Love to you all.

Tiffannie

PS. To the friend of my husbands who talked to him that day, I know you read this, I owe you a drink and a hug.

Dear baby girl,

I have so many things that I wish I could say to you, I want to be able to hold you when your born, to watch you laugh and cry, to see the light reflected in your beautiful blue eyes, your daddy said that they would be blue like mine, I was hoping for that beautiful hazel shade that matches your daddy’s. I’m sorry for so many things, I’m sorry that your little heart wasn’t strong enough to make it through my pain. I wish so much that everything that happened had waited until you were stronger, until you could have survived. Please know that I love your daddy very much, he just chose a path that didn’t have us in it. I know he will miss you in his own way. Your brother will miss you as well, I hoped so much that your brother would come out before you, I wanted him to have the protective instinct of being your big brother, I wanted him to protect you from all those mean boys and girls that might have picked on you.

I’m sorry I couldn’t protect you, I am so so so so sorry that my pain over losing your daddy became the pain that ended your precious existence. I’m sorry that my body couldn’t make yours perfect and strong the way you needed to be to take everything in. You are a victim of life that never had a chance.

I would’ve held your hand on the first walk to school, and tied your shoes when you didn’t know how. I would’ve hugged you tight when the first boy broke your heart, and adjusted your veil when you found a boy who didn’t.

I need you to know that I love you, you will always be my perfect princess. I love you with my whole heart. I will take care of your brother, and someday tell him about his beautiful baby sister who is waiting for him in heaven.

I love you always Ireland Belle Croll.

your mommy